One Woman's Look at Philosophy

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One Woman's Look at Philosophy
(or Sideways Thinking Turned Upside Down)

In my unending quest for knowledge and a deeper understanding of myself and the world
I (sometimes) live in, I recently obtained the book, The Oxford Companion to Philosophy
(OK, so I forgot to return the response card to my book club.) Since I'm going to pay for
it anyway (I can't be bothered returning it), I open it up to quench my thirst for
knowledge (in other words, I have nothing better to do.)

It is, I must say, quite impressive looking ($34.95 down the drain). More than two
hundred contributors put together over a thousand pages of not very large print, in neat,
alphabetized entries from "abandonment" (the feeling that overcomes you when you just
said, "fill 'er up," only to find that Dad's gas card is maxed out) to Zoroastrianism (the
ancient [circa 1960] belief that the demi-god Zorro was a visitor from a nearby star.)

While perusing the contents, I ruminate. I hypothesize that philosophy, like life itself, is a
matter of perception. My understanding of life and the world around me is based on my
knowledge and my experience. Hence, if I had been a contributor (fat chance), the
interpretation of the entries would be different.

Each of the following is an actual entry in the book (obiter dictum, mea culpa.) In other
words, as above, I'm guilty of the added words in (parenthesis). Please join me on my
journey to enlightenment. (Read on.)

ALGORITHM - (the [former] Vice President's inherent inability to dance)

ALIENATION - (TV show from the late 1980's)

ARGUMENT - (what you lost at the breakfast table this morning)

BERGMANN, GUSTAV - (Ingrid's father)

BRAIN IN A VAT - (insert your joke here)

CRITERION - (one of the standards on the scale on which women judge men as
potential mates - this list grows longer year after year)

DEATH-OF-THE-AUTHOR THESIS - ('nuf said - I wouldn't want to put any ideas in your
head)

DESCRIPTIONS - (over-the-counter medications, formally prescribed by physicians only)

DISCOURSE - (the talk leading up to and culminating in - 'nuf said)

DIVORCE - (how I spell relief - D·I·V·O·R·C·E)

ECONOMICS, (MY) PHILOSOPHY OF - (the belief that I actually make enough money
to pay all of my bills, sometimes resulting in an overdrawn account, resulting in tears
which leads to a spending spree designed to make me feel better, resulting in an
overdrawn balance, which leads to a cutback in spending which leads me to believe I make
enough money to pay all of my bills, sometimes resulting in an overdrawn account,
resulting in tears ... [ad infinitum])

ETERNAL RECURRENCE - (just when you think he's really out of your life)

EXPLANATION - (the talk leading up to and culminating in - 'nuf said)

EXPRESSION - (x + y = z [fooled you didn't I?])

GRAMMAR - (grampar's wife)

HINDU PHILOSOPHY - (doctrine of modern civilization that the man of the house repairs
the car, puts out the garbage [sorry, I'm thinking of "Him do" philosophy])

IDEAS OF REASON - (explanations - completely disregarded by the female - that the
male usually comes up with to explain his absence for six, or more, hours )

JUDGMENT - (the female's evaluation of the prior entry [ipso facto])

LOTTERY PARADOX - (knowing that no matter what number you play today will win --
tomorrow)

MOCHUS - (coffee flavored chocolate)

NO-OWNERSHIP THEORY - (supposition that whoever did it ain't sayin')

PHILOSOPHY, THE VALUE AND USE OF - (this is it)

PIETISM - (doctrine that favors "apple pie" as America's favorite dessert)

PLATO - (the last and smallest planet discovered in our solar system)

PRIVATE LANGUAGE PROBLEM - (predicament often faced by those who never learned
to mutter incoherently)

PROPERTY - (that which was once owned by your ex)

PSYCHE - (movie of the 1960's)

PSYCHOLOGY - (study of the movie "Psyche")

QUINTON, ANTHONY - (Movie star)

REDUNDANCY THEORY OF TRUTH - (doctrine of believing, knowing and contemplating,
that some postulate, consider and think to be fact, reality and/or gospel)

SENSIBILITY - (the mastery of balancing your checkbook)

SOPHISTS - (believe in the doctrine that a couch is not always a couch)

SPACE - ("The Final Frontier. These are the journeys ...")

TESTIMONY - (sacred ceremony enacted between student and teacher before final
exams)

THINGS - (that which was once owned by your ex)

THINKING - (what we don't do enough of)

THINKING CAUSES - (headaches)

THOMISM - (conviction that breakfast is not breakfast without an English muffin)

THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS - ( uh, what was the question?)

TIME - (thymus vulgaris; an herb; often associated with parsley, sage and rosemary)

TIME-TRAVEL (THEORY OF) - (notion, that it will take 15 minutes to drive to work
today when you know darn well it takes 30 without taking into account the red lights and
construction you will [inevitably] encounter on the way)

TRUE FOR ME - (see "criterion", "divorce", "economics, [my] philosophy of", "judgment",
and "time-travel", [et al], above)

UNDISTRIBUTED MIDDLE - (often referred to as "pot belly", "beer belly", or "gut",
usually manifesting itself after the age of 30, especially in men)

VAGUENESS - (a city in Nevada)

WHY - (uh, why not?)

WILT CHAMBERLAIN ARGUMENT - (how many women?)

WISDOM - (you don't argue with Wilt Chamberlain)

YOGA - (a milk product)

ZEN - (before now)

To supplement my new found knowledge on the topic of philosophy, I philosophized
about a few things myself (Seinfeld's not on for another half hour). For instance, why is it
always raining when I discover my windshield wipers are broken? Why didn't I return that
reply card to my book club? Ipso facto - so that I could write this article! And last but not
least - Why do I keep quoting Latin?

© 1996 Bobbie Ann Pimm
Originally published on writtenbyme.com